An Open Letter from Pluto to the Astronomers of Planet Earth.

Comments: 0 - Date: October 31st, 2006 - Categories: Writing

If Pluto were a gangbanger. This was written a long time ago.

Yo, esse. Why you gotta mess with my shit, yo? Ain’t you got like asteroids you needs to be peepin?You all up in my grill, like, is you a planet, or ain’t you? What’s it matter, yo, when I can kick your ass any day?Now you talkin trash, callin’ me a “trans-newtonian object?” Listen, bitch, I ain’t no orchestra playin christmas tunes. The only tunes I play go like this: crack crack crack of my Gatt.Yo, I been reading some books about your shiznit, and hombre, what up? I may be a banger, but I got my jimmy hat on. You got, like ozone dis, and global warming dat, and you all up like, “mothafucka, we gonna done be exctintified up in this piece!” Scared ass punks.Try my piece out for size: negative 369 degrees fahrenheit EVERY DAY. They ain’t no Triple Down Goose made for that. But you know how we do. Ain’t no whinin’ about no sunlight dis and dat. Just gots to make them warm lovely comets come my way when I want some heat. Yeah, if I was bigger, a little more gravitational force would keep my shit toasty at all times. But I ain’t ever heard no complaints. No whinin’ on Pluto, that’s fo damn sure.Planet Earth astronomers, you a bunch of busted ass fools. Oh yeah, go run home and tell moma you scared. Oh, you forgot I have a mass of (1.305±0.007)×1022 kg? Maybe you should thought of that before you called me a dwarf. What’s PhD stand for, Pluto-hatin’ dickhead?Planet Earth man, that’s the joke. You a trans-idiotic mess. Damn.

From the Desk of Midge Plampton, Head Secretary for Speaker Dennis Hastert

Comments: 0 - Date: October 4th, 2006 - Categories: Miscellany, Politics, Satire

Dear Assistant Secretaries: 

As you may know, our boss, Big Denny, is in a bit of pickle these days, what with all this Mark Foley business. I thought this might be a good time to review our filing procedures for office notes and memoranda. 
Please note the following guidlines:
 
  • Denny's Chat Logs (screen name WrestlecOAcH) are NOT to be archived for any reason).
  • Please continue to postdate all files by 9 months to a year. This means any notes or meetings the Speaker had from last Spring should not be dated any earlier than "last weekend" and at the latest "yesterday."
  • Please continue to keep the Iraq file folder in the Al-Qaeda section of the cabinet.
  • At no time should assistant secretaries "strip down and get relaxed" during filing duties.
  • File all correspondence from screen name maf54 under "Dirty Tricks, Democratic"
  • Please relabel and refile the folder marked "October Surprise" as "Attempts, Last Ditch."
  • Be sure to refile all documents from the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus Chairman under both "Hypocrisy" and "Service, Lip."
  • Refile "pedophilia" as "pedophilia, not."
  • We've noticed that the "Corruption, Internal" file has been growing quite large. Please sort through these files and, where appropriate, refile under "Dirty Tricks, Democratic."
  • We notice this may make the "Dirty Tricks, Democratic" file also quite large, what with the maf54 correspondence in it. So, please split the file into "democrats, chat logs we claim were faked by" and "made, mistakes."
  • Go ahead and throw away the empty folders in the cabinet, especially "learned, lessons," "conscience, guilty" and "plans for, GOP 2006 Congressional majority."
Thank you for your attention to these guidelines.
Midge