We Need to Listen to Mike Judge Before It’s Too Late

Comments: 0 - Date: January 29th, 2007 - Categories: Coffee, Handjobs, Miscellany, Satire, The Future

jennifer_aniston_mike_judge.jpg

Many of you will recognize the still above as being from Office Space, the excellent movie about the dystopia all too many of us spend our waking lives contending with. But did you know the guy giving Jennifer Aniston a hard time about not having enough “flair” on her uniform is none other than Mike Judge, the creator of the movie, along with Beavis and Butthead and the universally lauded Idiocracy?

Wait, you don’t know about Idiocracy? It’s the movie set in 2505, when generations of, uhm, lesser minded folks, had exponentially way more kids than “smart” people who were waiting for the economy to be on the upswing before deciding to bring another life onto the Earth. Really, hadn’t heard of it?

Well, many others have catalogued how Judge got the shaft from Fox, his distributor. The movie, which I’ve seen on DVD, paints a pretty bleak picture of America, and especially the corporations that essentially run it. From Carl’s Jr. being able to remand children to the state, to the country’s irrigation needs being unsuccessfully attended to by Brawndo sports drink (”It’s what plants need!”), the picture is of dumb-ass people whose few needs (tv, food) are barely attended to by a failing nanny state. Politics, just as now, is essentially a meaningless contest of one-liners, except in more of a pro-wrestling atmosphere, and the president is a porn-star.

What’s crazy about Office Space and Idiocracy is that as much as you’d like to believe the premises aren’t possible, you know people who’ve lived through Office Space (OK, without the Superman III robbery aspect) and Idiocracy, well…

In the movie, Starbucks, has apparently decided coffee is just not cutting it anymore. They decide to offer, as a value add, handjobs. Crazy, right? Well, as Slashfood noted, Seattle, the home of Starbucks after all, is already well on its way. Actual quote:

“Espresso joints. . .have decided to spice up their images with sexy outfits and flirtatious female baristas to try and attract business away from competitors.

“If I’m going to pay $4 for a cup of coffee” said one male customer, “I’m not going to get served by a guy.”

Right on, dude! Just wait and see what your great-great-great-great grandson will get with his lattes! Provided that, you know, he doesn’t get any crazy ideas about how to pay for it.

From the Desk of Midge Plampton, Head Secretary for Speaker Dennis Hastert

Comments: 0 - Date: October 4th, 2006 - Categories: Miscellany, Politics, Satire

Dear Assistant Secretaries: 

As you may know, our boss, Big Denny, is in a bit of pickle these days, what with all this Mark Foley business. I thought this might be a good time to review our filing procedures for office notes and memoranda. 
Please note the following guidlines:
 
  • Denny's Chat Logs (screen name WrestlecOAcH) are NOT to be archived for any reason).
  • Please continue to postdate all files by 9 months to a year. This means any notes or meetings the Speaker had from last Spring should not be dated any earlier than "last weekend" and at the latest "yesterday."
  • Please continue to keep the Iraq file folder in the Al-Qaeda section of the cabinet.
  • At no time should assistant secretaries "strip down and get relaxed" during filing duties.
  • File all correspondence from screen name maf54 under "Dirty Tricks, Democratic"
  • Please relabel and refile the folder marked "October Surprise" as "Attempts, Last Ditch."
  • Be sure to refile all documents from the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus Chairman under both "Hypocrisy" and "Service, Lip."
  • Refile "pedophilia" as "pedophilia, not."
  • We've noticed that the "Corruption, Internal" file has been growing quite large. Please sort through these files and, where appropriate, refile under "Dirty Tricks, Democratic."
  • We notice this may make the "Dirty Tricks, Democratic" file also quite large, what with the maf54 correspondence in it. So, please split the file into "democrats, chat logs we claim were faked by" and "made, mistakes."
  • Go ahead and throw away the empty folders in the cabinet, especially "learned, lessons," "conscience, guilty" and "plans for, GOP 2006 Congressional majority."
Thank you for your attention to these guidelines.
Midge