Paul Smalera

It’s amazing the emails I got when I asked for followups on my first Yelp piece, which you can find linked in this story at The Big Money or down below in my archives. Never been called a ‘little sack of shit’ before, if you can believe it! I needed to answer the question–why does Yelp engender such hatred? I think I got to the bottom of it– they are playing a delicate game of keeping their reviews relevant while protecting against spam. And they’re playing it on a scale of 20+ million monthly unique visitors. Not easy. But there might be a few things that can be done differently. I explain:

The Trilateral Commission. Bilderberg. The Freemasons. RAND Corp. The Illuminati. And, apparently, Yelp. The conspiracy-minded among us have long been convinced that the world is run by a secret cabal of wealthy elite, moving us ordinary folk around like pawns on a chess board for their own hidden purposes. Not content with running the financial system, controlling the government, or installing a new world order, they have apparently set their sights on the tantalizing target of local social media.

Yelp and Its Discontents | The Big Money.

Pretty rewarding to see a piece I wrote for Condé Nast Portfolio end up on digg, where it’s quite popular. Illustrated by the talented John Grimwade. Enjoy!read more | digg story

Many of you will recognize the still above as being from Office Space, the excellent movie about the dystopia all too many of us spend our waking lives contending with. But did you know the guy giving Jennifer Aniston a hard time about not having enough “flair” on her uniform is none other than Mike Judge, the creator of the movie, along with Beavis and Butthead and the universally lauded Idiocracy?

Wait, you don’t know about Idiocracy? It’s the movie set in 2505, when generations of, uhm, lesser minded folks, had exponentially way more kids than “smart” people who were waiting for the economy to be on the upswing before deciding to bring another life onto the Earth. Really, hadn’t heard of it?

Well, many others have catalogued how Judge got the shaft from Fox, his distributor. The movie, which I’ve seen on DVD, paints a pretty bleak picture of America, and especially the corporations that essentially run it. From Carl’s Jr. being able to remand children to the state, to the country’s irrigation needs being unsuccessfully attended to by Brawndo sports drink (”It’s what plants need!”), the picture is of dumb-ass people whose few needs (tv, food) are barely attended to by a failing nanny state. Politics, just as now, is essentially a meaningless contest of one-liners, except in more of a pro-wrestling atmosphere, and the president is a porn-star.

What’s crazy about Office Space and Idiocracy is that as much as you’d like to believe the premises aren’t possible, you know people who’ve lived through Office Space (OK, without the Superman III robbery aspect) and Idiocracy, well…

In the movie, Starbucks, has apparently decided coffee is just not cutting it anymore. They decide to offer, as a value add, handjobs. Crazy, right? Well, as Slashfood noted, Seattle, the home of Starbucks after all, is already well on its way. Actual quote:

“Espresso joints. . .have decided to spice up their images with sexy outfits and flirtatious female baristas to try and attract business away from competitors.

“If I’m going to pay $4 for a cup of coffee” said one male customer, “I’m not going to get served by a guy.”

Right on, dude! Just wait and see what your great-great-great-great grandson will get with his lattes! Provided that, you know, he doesn’t get any crazy ideas about how to pay for it.